The second reason for my blogging silence was my development of Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD) and Panic Disorder brought on by stress and exhaustion mostly. I started out in October of last year experiencing anxiety for no apparent reason. I then had a full on panic attack that I thought was a heart attack. After being checked out my doctor told me what I had experienced and prescribed some medication to take as needed. I knew of anxiety after experiencing post-traumatic stress after the first Gulf war in 1991 and Somalia in 1993 but I was not prepared for the dysfunction of a panic disorder. Well, the panic attacks started to become more frequent and more severe until I was pretty much in a panic for days at a time. If you read some of the symptoms associated with these disorders you can imagine how uncomfortable I was. Actually I was completely dysfunctional. I couldn’t eat. I couldn’t sleep. I couldn’t even sit down for more than 30 seconds at a time. I would pace around in my house until even that was not sufficient. I would have to be outside walking and I would walk and walk and walk. I was in such a state of delusion that I thought for sure that I would walk until my body failed and I would die. Throughout this ordeal my doctor became a researcher as we tried medication after medication. Some would work briefly and some would just about put me over the edge. Finally after two and half months and, thank God, before Christmas a medication that worked was administered. I was on that medication for about 2 months but it was an addictive drug that I had to wean off of while taking another medication to counter and I will remain on for the next year. I have been mostly anxiety free for the past 2 months now and I’m pretty much back to normal; whatever that is.
So, what brought all of this on? Well, two full time jobs that equated to 90 – 100 hour work weeks, many changes within those jobs, only 4 – 6 hours sleep a night, a pregnant wife with health complications, and the anticipation of bring another child into this world, a delivery of the child that was not without touchy moments and finally the last straw…jury duty. My work and ministry schedule had come to a point that I had little time for family and even less time for God. I was even putting blogging over God and family. My God time had become about 10 to 15 minutes in the morning and my family time had become dinner and maybe a little play or TV time with the kids for at the most 2 hours a night. Then it was back to work on whatever. It seems that throughout my life that I have been addicted to one thing or another and apparently it had become work in this case. I wanted to do my very best for God but God didn’t need my service. He needed for me to do what He asked. 1 Samuel 15:22 says that to God it is better to obey than to sacrifice. I was offering up a lot to God but I was not being obedient. Throughout this ordeal the one thing that I held onto was my faith in God. I won’t say that I didn’t waver and my armor was definitely taking a beating but I clung to God and His Word. As I was pacing and walking and walking and pacing I would gaze up at the stars and pray for deliverance, even if that meant death. I was in such despair because I did not see an end to the suffering and feared even more that I would lose my ministry, lose my job, lose my family, lose my mind. When at my bleakest moment I started to hear in my mind “Trust in Me, trust in My counsel”. Over and over I heard that until I started to repeat it out loud. God’s Word then came to me and I started to repeat this passage over and over;
Philippians 4:4 - 9 (ESV) 4Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, Rejoice. 5Let your reasonableness be known to everyone. The Lord is at hand; 6do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. 7And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. 8Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things. 9What you have learned and received and heard and seen in me—practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you.
I started to rejoice in my suffering because it brought me back to a total reliance on God whereas if I did lose all of the things that I thought I was going to lose I knew it was because God wanted it that way in His perfect plan. I also knew that I would not lose my mind because God was guarding my heart and mind and the peace of God started to come onto me. I trusted God just as He asked me to do. I still had the “trust in My counsel” on my mind when the Lord brought to the mind of my wife a friend of ours who specializes in psychiatric counseling. She is a dear saint and godly woman who started to explain to me exactly what was happening in my brain and how the medication worked and what behavioral changes that I needed to make. Personal time with God has become a priority and time with family has become before work, ministry and yes, even blogging. I have a ways to go to correct my work habits and my mindset when it comes to relaxing and turning off work and ministry. I had to become very intentional to the point of filling my calendar with family appointments and sticking to them no matter what. I use to be online every night and now it may be only 3 or 4 days a week. I’m still having a hard time turning off thinking about work and ministry when I should be concentrating on family but I’m working on it and I know God is faithful to heal me and help in this process. I will continue to trust in Him and in His counsel.